::beauty in the breakdown::

it finally hit... i'm not sure what exactly caused it... a number of things, i'm sure... i won't name them all... but the breakdown finally happened...

i was talking on the phone to my brother last night... one of the many people who have called just to check up on me... when i'm about to start crying, i can usually catch it before and stop it before it starts... this time, i didn't have a chance... and it was out of nowhere, really... i tried to change the subject to something more happy, but it didn't really help...

i sort of feel like i don't want to talk to anyone... i don't have anything going on... i applied for 5 jobs yesterday, as a matter of fact, and other than that, i sat around and watched tv... i stay up too late because i'm not tired and sleep in late because i don't have a job to go to... the tally is up to 35 jobs applied for, 2 call-backs and 2 rejections... i don't have anything new to talk about and it makes me sad when people ask... and i know they mean well... they just want to know if i've found anything, how the job hunt is going... so a lot of times, i just don't want to talk at all, especially if i know those questions will be asked... and since i have nothing new to talk about, i don't want to talk... (so if i've brushed you off lately, i'm sorry... it's not you, it's me... :)...)

today was the worst... i called mom to check about something with the license/tags... and a fax i sent... she said that chris - the youth pastor i interned with for 2 years, who coincidently, i was talking about last night with high praise because he's incredible - called my house wanting my phone number... so my grandma called my mom to tell her and my mom and i talked - and she gave me chris' number to call him back... which i just did...

he asked me how things were going... and i felt it welling, but couldn't stop it (again)... "fine," i mumbled through a shaky voice... i knew that he knew i wasn't fine... and i know that i don't have the intimiate fellowship with God that chris does, but he said that i had been on his heart and asked what he could pray for... and he gave me some scripture and we hung up... and the tears continued to fall... i tried reading the scripture he gave me... one is random, so i'll have to sit and try and figure it out... and the other is one i couldn't get through because i was crying... so i'll tackle it later, too...

i hate the way this feels... i hate not having an outlet... i hate not having purpose (with respect to a job)... i hate asking my parents for money... i hate crying about it because i feel like a baby... and because it makes other people uncomfortable... i hate the phrase, "something will come along"... i hate not having the answers... i hate the way this all sounds... i mean, i guess i should be thankful... but any attempt to say the things i'm grateful right now concerning the lack of a job would just be fake...

right now, i'm thankful for oreos and i'm hoping the milk hasn't gone bad, because all i want to do today is sit around and eat oreos and drink milk...